Why Replacing Judgment With Curiosity Was the Best Decision Ever

Something powerful has been lurking just below consciousness for a while.

It started with a phrase my long-time sponsor would say when I told him about my troubles: “Well that’s interesting.”

Of course, when I was really going through it I thought, “WTF do you mean, interesting!?”

I didn’t realize until much, much later that there was real wisdom in those words.

See, when we go through life, trying our hardest not to make mistakes but making them anyway, we listen to our inner critic, try to please our parents/spouse/boss/whoever, and assign meaning to our failures.

We think we’re worthless, stupid, unloveable, and doomed to a life of loneliness and misery because we didn’t do something right. We think that robotic perfection is an achievable ideal, and seeking a sense of safety we accept nothing less.

In turn, we set ourselves up for the worst failure of all: the denial of human experience.

So what’s the alternative? Well, curiosity. I’ll explain.

. . .

Be curious, not judgmental. — Walt Whitman

Some mistakes really do suck, let’s be real about it. Some failures set us back financially, emotionally, or professionally, and that’s that.
The best thing we can do then is to take a timeout and say something like, “Well that’s interesting.” In other words, we become curious about it.

This allows us to look at things objectively and ask ourselves these questions:

1. What led to this outcome?

2. What is my responsibility?

3. Is this a pattern?

4. What can I learn from this?

5. Where do I go from here?

Let’s dive in and see how getting curious instead of judgmental gives us the freedom to explore, and milk our mistakes for all they’re worth.

What led to this outcome?

After a mistake or failure, I find it helpful to take a brief moment to reflect on the chain of events.

Maybe I drank too much coffee or didn’t get enough sleep. Maybe I was daydreaming and didn’t pay attention. Perhaps I was worried and future-tripping and decided out of fear.

The point is, by analyzing the chain of events from a non-judgmental place, I can be more mindful the next time around instead of operating on auto-pilot.

Caution

Avoid the time machine and getting stuck in the past. Reflecting on the chain of events doesn’t mean endlessly replaying the scenario and imagining a different outcome. It’s about getting clarity.

Perhaps there’s no other explanation other than you didn’t foresee the consequences, and that’s perfectly alright. Replay it once or twice and then move on.

What is my responsibility?

Oftentimes, to avoid our own judgment or circumvent the consequences, we’ll rearrange the responsibility. This could be anything from outwardly blaming someone else to rationalizing away what we were at fault for.

What’s most useful is to clearly accept how your actions led to that outcome, while still being kind to yourself. Remember, this is not about punishment or judgment, but recognizing what’s on your side of the street so you can clean it up later.

When we do that, we get to own whatever lesson we just paid for through our mistake.

Caution

Avoid over-responsibility or taking the blame for someone else’s failure. Oftentimes, people-pleasers and enablers will take the fall for someone else, or clean up their mess, thus robbing the other party of their own learning opportunity.

Own what is yours and leave the rest. Don’t be a martyr and don’t be a doormat.

Is this a pattern?

Learning to differentiate a one-off incident from a repeating pattern is essential because obviously, you don’t want to keep making the same mistake.

Take relationships for example. How many times have you dated a person who feels right, only to break up for the same reason as your last several relationships? Or how about continuously being late for work when you know your boss is watching the clock?

Identifying patterns not only allows you to see them for what they are but drill down into whatever issues are causing them. Patterns are usually deeply ingrained, so changing them requires a lot of awareness and work. It can be done however through repetition.

Caution

Don’t try to pound a square peg into a round hole. If a pattern keeps repeating and no amount of corrective action seems to change it, perhaps a second-order change is necessary.

A second-order change is one on a deeper level, such as finding the right career. As a software engineer, I thought what I needed was to learn a new programming language or framework to be successful, but what I needed was something that aligned with my personality and passions.

If a pattern keeps repeating, ask yourself if the mistakes are easily corrected or a fundamental change is needed.

What can I learn from this?

This one is self-explanatory, but take a few moments to reflect on the lesson. Perhaps do some journaling, talk to friends and family, and get clear on what you can take away from it.

When we’re wrapped up in judgment or self-abuse, we miss the big picture. By zooming out and getting a bird’s-eye view of things, we can make connections we’d miss if we were stuck in the weeds.

Caution

Don’t over-analyze every little thing, otherwise, it’s counter-productive and a waste of time.

Sometimes you forgot to fill up the car and next time you’ll set a reminder — done. Sometimes you burnt the toast because you got distracted by social media, so next time you’ll set a timer.

The point is, don’t go down a rabbit hole or sweat the small stuff. Just do a quick check-in and move on. For the bigger things, like moving in with a person you’re not in love with or rear-ending the person in front of you, a good amount of reflecting, writing, and talking to people might help.

Whatever you do, avoid judgment and absorb the lesson. When you focus on a positive takeaway you’ll be more likely to do things differently next time.

Where do I go from here?

Unfortunately, just because we owned up to our mistake and analyzed what got us there, doesn’t mean there might not be a mess to clean up. Sometimes our mistakes hurt others, so getting clear about any damage and fixing it is a good way to wrap things up.

Are there amends that need to be made? Maybe just a simple apology? Perhaps we need to really repair what we broke.

We all know the types of mistakes we can make in a relationship, so discussing what happened with your partner and getting honest, will go a long way in preventing resentments from piling up. Any relationship, no matter how strong, will eventually collapse under the weight of too many resentments. Therefore, clearing the air right away is essential.

Other types of relationships will benefit from this approach as well, so getting comfortable with not only owning your mistakes but offering to repair the damage, will make friendships, partnerships, or your work life much easier. People tend to forgive those who try to make things right.

Of course, analyzing where to go or what to do after the mistake, involves more than just amends or damage control. It’s also about letting it go and moving on with your life. After you’ve taken what you can from your failure and cleaning up the mess, there’s no sense in dwelling on it.

Caution

This is not an excuse for being overly apologetic, doing more than necessary, or becoming a doormat. Sure it’s good to make amends, but a common trait of codependency is overcompensation.

Set good boundaries with people and don’t let them hang your mistakes over you. It’s terrible to be in a guilt-ridden relationship where every misdeed from the past is used in the present. Once you’ve done what you can to learn from your mistake and make amends, it’s time for everyone to move on.

Of course, some mistakes are dealbreakers for people or they’ll choose not to let it go, but that’s on them. You don’t have a time machine and can only operate in the present and beyond. It’s their choice to accept it and trust you — or not.

Unfortunately, accepting that some things can’t be repaired is part of the learning process.

. . .

Sometimes our failures kick us in the ass, or even more sensitive parts of our body. However, when we allow ourselves the energy to get clear about what went wrong from a place of curiosity, we can take so much more from our mistakes than if we wallowed in self-pity or victimhood.

It also allows us the opportunity to smooth things out with the people we may have affected, making our relationships more solid as a result. If we’re wasting time and energy beating ourselves up, assigning meaning where there is none, or blaming others for what isn’t theirs, we miss the learning opportunity.

So the next time you make a mistake, no matter how small, approach it from a place of curiosity instead of judgment. Who knows, you may discover you’re a genius as a result.

“I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.”

— Albert Einstein

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This post was previously published on Change Becomes You.

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